4 Year Anniversary

Gosh, has it really been that long? I started thinking about it all last night, wondering how today would go. I am sure it will be pretty much a normal day for me. I just got the boys to school and I will soon try to get Kyrie down for a nap. I will probably work more on my recipe book, get Hayden from school, and go back again for Dusty. We will work on homework and get ready to go to Dusty's first football game of the season - we will eat too! But will I dare listen to the funeral CD or watch the DVD of Tina's life like I have the past few years? In the beginning (when she first left), it was easy for me to do those things. I think listening to the CD and watching the DVD was good therapy. It felt good to cry and to get it all out. It helped a lot. It's not so easy anymore, I don't know if I can do it. I'm already getting teardrops all over my laptop, like the way they fell from my eyes, onto her face as I leaned over her and cried. I can't believe it was 4 years ago today that we said our last good-byes. However, I am thankful we had the opportunity as so many people don't get the chance to say goodbye. Tina I still think of you all the time. When you left, I lost something huge! I felt like there was something more than you being a friend and a sister. I felt some kind of bond that I can't explain. You were also the one person I confided in. I told you EVERYTHING whether you wanted to hear it or not. I felt I could tell you anything and that you wouldn't judge me for it in any way. I called you if I was happy, sad, upset, confused, scared, excited, had something cute to share about the kids, and even when I just didn't have anything else to do. When you left, I instantly became so lonely. For several months when I had something to share I had the natural desire to call you. And then I was hit with reality, you forgot to take your cell phone with you! I could dial your phone number but all I got was your voicemail. And then the phone company started telling me your number was no longer in use. What was I to do? I felt so lonely not having you pick up your phone (that has been the absolute hardest for me). I had to learn to hold everything inside and that was so hard to do. I now have been able to open up to a few others but it's just not the same. I have the fear of being rejected, but with you I knew you loved me no matter what! I still dream about you, in fact you visited me in a dream just a couple of weeks ago, and you were your appropriate age. Most of my dreams you are a little blonde haired 3 year old. I don't quite understand why. And some of those dreams you are kinda my daughter, I don't get it. I am sure you are happy where you are at. Your family seems to be happy, but I'm sure you know that, I bet you see them a lot more than I do. I can't believe it has been 4 years already. It makes me wonder what was so important for you to do up there. Important enough that you were okay with it all! So I guess somehow we have to try to be okay with it all too! What a great example you have been to the rest of us down here. Love ya and miss ya bunches!